The Tourist had everything going for it. Set in Europe’s finest: Paris and Venice, with a superstar cast: Angelina Jolie, Johnny Depp, and Timothy Dalton. Along with Florian von Donnersmark, director of the 2006’s best foreign film, The Lives of Others. Unfortunately, underneath the film’s vapid exterior, Von Heinkelshit delivers an uneventful, predictable game of hide and seek. A remake of the French thriller Anthony Zimmer, Elise (Jolie) flees Paris after her former lover, (a wanted billionaire thief) writes her after two years on the run. She’s told to take a train to Venice, seduce a man of his same size and build to throw off the police, and the mob, that have had her under constant surveillance. She enlists Frank (Depp) a lonely nincompoop, while she tracks her former lover down. Even wonderfully quirky Johnny Depp was a disappointment. His cutesy charm, and good looks were missing, and we were left wondering why Angelina would fall for this bloated, washed up, grungy looking man. I felt more sorry for him, than attracted to him.
Our “twist” ending was no payoff or surprise. I had the whole film figured out in the first 10 minutes. Once your Angelina Jolie hard-on fades, you’re on your own. I tried to figure out what went wrong. How could you with a name like Florian von Donnersmark? The Lives of Others was Von Diddlysquat's film debut, and has had a four year dry spell. So how do you go from directing "one of the greatest movies ever made, and certainly the best film of this decade," to a sophomoric attempt that's equivalent to a diluted Mr. and Mrs. Smith? Perhaps Von Donnerparty was distracted by frozen faced, Barbie doll, Angelina. Rule #1 in film school, do not direct with your penis, use your head! There were a few laughs. I enjoyed Depp speaking Spanish to Italians. Living in Italy for a few months, I can assure you Italian's would not be that friendly if we spoke Spanish to them. Whoever did the subtitles, cazzo does not mean, "Golly gosh, he’s crazy!" With an ungodly amount of previews (20 minutes!) I had a look at IMDB trivia before the film started. I had a sinking feeling after I read all of the pre production woes and directorial changes. No good can from that many swaps. My only reward was Timothy Dalton. (No longer James Bond, but a total silver fox.) Well, at least I contributed to charity. Angelina's orphanage of Ralph Lauren babies now has another gold coin in its pockets. You’re welcome, but I’d like that back.